For those who don’t personally know me, a couple weeks ago my dad had a heart attack. Well, actually THREE heart attacks, because my dad is nothing if not thorough. He’ll do whatever it takes to get the job done. It’s called work ethic, guys.
Hopefully you can tell by my jocular tone that he is fine. Or maybe you just think I’m an awful person. Well, either way you’re in luck because both those things are true: My dad is doing fine and yes, I can be pretty awful. Not like, Internet awful. Just normal awful.
Like one time I made a joke to my mom on the phone about drowning in paperwork by saying, “I’m like Natalie Wood over here!” She was not amused.
What was I talking about? Oh, my dad! Yes, he’s good but getting really tired of grilled chicken.
Because, you see, after a heart attack you have to change your diet, if your diet is the thing that caused your heart attack. And he’s 100% German, which means it’s not a meal if there’s no red meat and potatoes. And salt. Lots of salt.
Because I am awful yet also a wonderful daughter, I’m trying to think of meals I can make him that are German-approved and heart-healthy. To the Googles!
Okay, I found “7 Festive German Recipes” on a website called LifeScript. Not only German but festive German? Things are about to get wild, y’all.
Now all I need to do is go to the store, buy all the stuff, find time to cook… Huh. These recipes call for a LOT of ingredients.
“Reduced-sodium chicken broth?” Is that even a thing? “No-salt-added tomato sauce?” That sounds gro… I mean delicious, Dad! It sounds delicious. What does salt even do, really? Clogs arteries, that’s what. And, you know, adds flavor. But I’m sure it will be fi… chicken sausage? Now they’re just screwing with me, right?
And fennel? What’s a fennel? It sounds like a Dr. Suess character. I’m not feeding my father a beloved cartoon creation, no matter how delicious, Mr. LifeScript! What kind of monster do you think I… wait. Oh. Apparently a fennel is in the celery family. I didn’t know celery HAD a family.
Why did I volunteer for this again?
Oh, yeah. I love my dad. Guten tag, everyone.
Jessie Lea Pingle 
Ms. Jessie I’m glad your dad is doing good! Try making him some improvised healthy jager schnitzel! They make low-sodium everything now days. I love your blog and I’m sure that your amount of awful is just a dash and anyone who says different, well, they need a kick in the pants from Mr. Sense of Humor. Anyway, write on my dear! By the way, I found your blog from xojane.com because I’m in quite the predicament myself, and as always Google to the rescue. It gave me a sliver of hope, and for that I thank you!
Thank you so much for your sweet comment! Gotta love the Googles! 🙂