Why can’t I watch TV like a normal person?

I’m really scraping the bottom of the idea barrel for this post, but I’m home sick today, bored and have only my cats to entertain me. So I apologize.

I’m in the bathroom when Emo, my cat, starts yowling like she’s being burned alive. This is a regular occurrence (the yowling, not her being burned alive) so I try to ignore her as best I can. But anyone with a vocal cat can tell you there’s a certain point where the human brain cannot ignore this horrible sound anymore.  Don’t believe me? Watch:

Apparently my limit is about 52 seconds.

Anyway, I fling open the door to find her staring at me with a toy mouse head in her mouth. Not taking her eyes off me, she opens her mouth and drops it on the carpet, waiting expectantly.

I can just imagine if I could understand her cat language. For some reason, in my head it translates like this:

Emo: BEHOLD! I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE HEAD OF A MOUSE. (drops it at my feet)

Me: Great. Thank you. That’s very nice.

Emo: I HOPE YOU HAVE FOUND MY GIFT WORTHY.

Me: I do. Only… why is it just the head?

Why is it looking at me?
Why is it looking at me?

Emo: I don’t know. The body’s around here somewhere. Why, don’t you like it?

Me: I love it. Obviously. So somewhere in my house there’s a headless mouse body?

Emo: Yes.

Me: But you don’t know where.

Emo: Correct.

Me: Great. Can I take my shower now?

Emo: I suppose.

photo 3
I’ll be right here if you need me. Always.

I take my shower. I hear her yowling again. I ignore her and turn my music up louder. When I’m done drying off, I open the door to find Emo once again with what appears to be the mouse body, judging by the straggly tail hanging from her mouth.

Emo: I NOW PRESENT YOU WITH THE BODY OF A MOUSE. MY GIFT IS COMPLETE.

Me: Yeah. That’s great. It’s… wait, that’s another mouse head!

Emo: No, it’s not.

Me: Yes it is! (I pick it up and inspect it.) It’s a different mouse with the bottom half of its body torn off. What is wrong with you?

Emo: Do you want my gift or not?

Me: In my house there are two headless mouse bodies.

Emo: Well, technically one is half a headless mouse body.

Me: Please leave me alone.

Emo: No.

I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU ALONE.
I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU ALONE. NOR YOU, PRECIOUS MOUSE HEAD.

I think I’m ready to start back to grad school again, what do you guys think?

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