The War of The Dip

Hey, remember how I said I’d try to keep up with my blog? Neither do I, because GRAD SCHOOL IS INSANE, YO. I have no memory of anything anymore, because my brain has exceeded its limit. It’s overflowing with information and if I don’t empty it soon… well.


I really need to make more of an effort to get back to writing non-college-y stuff because clearly I’m losing my mind. The perfect segue to this story…

So my husband just had a birthday. He wanted a quiet birthday weekend because, you know, he’s old now. But then something happened.

Let me tell you the back story first: a few years ago Baby Mama unknowingly started a downward spiral of events in my house when she gave Eric her recipe for a chocolate chip cream cheese dip. I’m not sure of the exact recipe, but it’s mostly made of cream cheese and the Tooth Fairy’s tears. It’s the most fattening, delicious, sugary dip you’ve ever regretted eating.

My husband gets on these weird snack phases, and as I’ve mentioned before, he’s very protective of his food. So he was making this dip for himself, buying chocolate animal crackers to go with the dip (animal crackers are essential to this treat, apparently) and this became his new snack.

For months this went on. I cannot emphasize enough how fattening this dip is. First of all, a batch of it is meant for like, a large gathering of people, not one single, insane man. Because the other thing about it was, he would not share it. He’d give me and the boys a measly little taste every once in a while, but he watched our every bite.

We even caught him hiding it in the very back of the refrigerator, all wrapped in aluminum foil like some ridiculous dessert camouflage, meant to throw us off. But he wasn’t counting on this former reader of Nancy Drew, no sir. I spied the empty cream cheese packaging, the mixing attachments in the dishwasher and the not-quite-cleaned out mixing bowls. I wasn’t born yesterday, Mr. Pingle.

I really want to put an inappropriate joke here, but I'll restrain myself.
I really want to put an inappropriate joke here about Nancy and Ned, but I’ll restrain myself.

“You hid the dip in the back of the refrigerator?” I screeched. Both boys perked their ears and swiveled their heads first toward me, then Eric. We all stared at him, waiting.

“Uhhh…” he protested unconvincingly.

It was a dark day in the Pingle household.

He eventually weaned himself off  (after several interventions), and things settled down.

Well, I hate to tell you but The Dip is back.

It started up again a few weeks ago. The ingredients suddenly appeared in the refrigerator. Animal crackers showed up in the pantry.

The weekend after his birthday a bowl of dip beckoned enticingly from the fridge. I was alone and it was that time of day when it’s too early for dinner but well past lunch. I helped myself to some of the dip to tide me over until dinner.

Later that night Eric opened the refrigerator. “Who ate all my dip?” he roared.

All your dip? I barely had any!” I said.

“You had a lot.”

“Did not.”

“Did too.”

Pictured: Marriage.
Pictured: Marriage.

“There is plenty left! For one normal person, anyway. Maybe not enough for one ridiculous man,” I huffed.

Later, he set the empty (empty!) bowl in the sink. “That was disappointing,” he sniffed.

He would not shut up about it for the rest of the night. And there was enough dip for four people in that bowl, you guys. He’s insane. Insane.

And he’s allll mine. Happy Birthday, Mr. Pingle.

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