Winter is here and I’m not ready

Once again, a new season is upon us and I’m woefully unprepared. Despite the fashion world flagrantly displaying itself before my dazzled eyes on a daily basis, I have yet to purchase the items essential to my survival this winter.

For example, how can I properly winter without:

A Belted Camel Coat Brimming With Groovy 70s Vibes

I’m still stewing over the fact that this Helmut Lang coat was on sale at Rue La La and all I needed to do was shell out $500 (regular price $1,295) and it could have been mine. My mouse actually hovered over the “Add to Cart” button for a good 30 seconds before I came back to my senses and realized I had to buy stupid things like electricity and Christmas gifts for my loved ones. Damn them.

Screen Shot 2018-12-28 at 1.57.35 PM — Sorry for the blurry image. It’s how it looks through my tears. (Photo credit: Pinterest, Rue La La.)

Louis Vuitton Sunglasses That Rock So Hard I Want To Cry

Look at them. WHY AREN’T THEY ON MY FACE RIGHT NOW? The only thing that keeps me from buying them (other than the $665 price tag) is the sad realization that while they look good on the lithe model with the perfectly symmetrical features, most sunglasses are too wide for my undersized face. But that’ll be cold comfort when the winter sun blinds me in my unprotected eyeballs.

Yes, I took a picture of a magazine ad. The Party Square sunglasses, $665 at Louis Vuitton

Cropped Cable Knit Sweater For Those Ab-Showing Winter Days

You know what I love about winter? How you can wear something as unsexy-sounding as a cable knit sweater but still rock some abs. Plus, for extra warmth the sleeves are long enough to cover your hands, so does it really matter that you were forced to do crunches in December when every other self-respecting person is eating chocolate chip cookies? But the sweater! It’s cozy, yet seductive in its coziness. And it could be all mine for a mere $420. One could say that’s a lot for what’s basically a half-sweater but I prefer to think of it as half-fabulous, which is kind of my brand.

Screen Shot 2018-12-27 at 6.28.19 PM — This particular sweater from Acne Studios is no longer available, but you can find a similar style from Shopbop for the aforementioned $420. (Photo credit: @sabinasocol on Instagram.)

Gray Over-The-Knee Boots So Buttery Soft They Should Be Served With Warm Biscuits

Have you ever seen a more delicious pair of boots? I maintain that you have not. Gray boots have been on my “Why don’t I have this already?” list for years and I think it’s about time I crossed it off. I’ve always been drawn to gray as my go-to neutral. Gray is a folksy sort of neutral, which suits me down to my Midwestern, corn-fed soul.

Screen Shot 2018-12-28 at 1.01.15 PM — Will my meat-and-potato thighs be up to the challenge? TBD. (Photo credit: The Tieland Boot, $798 at Stuart Weitzman.)

A Chunky Turquoise Ring That Distracts From My Parchment-Like Chapped Hands

Bonus: Lotion That Isn’t a Pleasant-Smelling Lie

I like my jewelry like my chicken soup: chunky. And turquoise is my favorite color/stone and therefore must be on my hand at all times. My dry, patchy, chapped, farmer-man hand. Seriously, can someone get me some lotion? And some chicken soup, while you’re at it.

il_340x270.1220533058_n60d — To those doubters who believe turquoise is only for summer: Behold! (Photo credit: Etsy.)

What are your winter musts? Or do you just burrow under the covers until spring?

Summer is almost here and I’m not ready

One of the downsides of my job as a fashion copywriter is that I’m forced to constantly look at magazines, blogs and do comparison shopping all in the name of research. I know. The horror. But it IS a problem, because then I see every new thing that comes out on the market and 100% of the time it is something that I must have, like yesterday. Did I also mention that I use shopping as therapy and I relate all too well to the cringe-worthy protagonist in Confessions of a Shopaholic?

All that to say that summer is one of my three favorite seasons and it’s coming up fast. And I am woefully low on:

A CUTE ONE-PIECE SWIM SUIT THAT FITS MY WEIRD GOURD-SHAPED BODY

When you’re shaped like a beloved Thanksgiving-themed decorative fruit, shopping is difficult enough without throwing in “Oh hey, one-pieces are back from the Baywatch-shaped hole they’ve been hiding in for the past 20 years.” How did this happen? Why are they back? And how can I get one immediately? IF I can find one that will fit my long skinny upper body and my bulbous lower body, that is.

636548512378365298 — NSFW: Behold, me in all my naked glory.

BODY JEWELRY THAT I CAN ROCK LILITH FAIR-STYLE

Shut up. Body jewelry is back and you’re just going to have to deal with it, society. I remember back in the day, I owned not one, but several belly bracelets. And just because that was twenty years ago when I was dreamily listening to Sarah McLaughlin while drinking Zima in my dorm room does not mean I can’t adorn my still-pretty-alright body with some sparkle. It’s not like I’m some 41-year old woman who still wears crop tops. Oh wait…

MATCHING CROP TOP AND SKIRT SET BECAUSE PINTEREST

Except I’m exactly the kind of 41-year old woman who wears crop tops! And why not? Do I force myself to go to the gym 4 days a week only to not wear crop tops, like some kind of not-crop-top-wearing idiot? Summer was made for crop tops and I love that they are still a thing. Especially since now they have matching crop top-and-skirt sets all over Pinterest that are freaking adorable and I need all of them. But only if I can wear it surrounded by flowers on a cobblestone street with messy yet perfectly done hair while drinking out of a pineapple. Obviously.

tumblr_okvwu2C3VY1qzh0vno1_1280 — Okay, I made up the pineapple but the rest is SPOT ON. (Photo credit: Pinterest, Chanel Bags & Cigarette Drags)

FANCY LUGGAGE SO I CAN FEEL BALLER FOR A FEW MINUTES BEFORE THEY SEAT ME IN COACH

I have always been obsessed with luxe luggage and by “always” I mean since I spotted a fabulous Gucci luggage set in a UK Vogue about six years ago. Gliding through the airport in my just-right traveling outfit, with my perfectly matched luggage is almost as good as the vacation itself.

Except my fantasies of airport chic come from the Mad Men era, before 9/11 turned us all into shoeless animals forced into X-ray machines, all while being groped by the airport equivalent of mall security. To add insult to injury, my neatly packed luggage ends up looking like someone searched it using a giant Kitchen Aid mixer. (Note: Just kidding, TSA. You guys are the best!)

But seriously, I need these ASAP. (Photo credit: Pinterest, Henri Bendel)

WHITE JEANS THAT DON’T LOOK LIKE I’M WEARING A KITCHEN TRASH BAG

Why don’t I already have a pair of white jeans? White jeans are quintessential summer. They look so fresh and breezy, yet when I squeeze myself into a pair, one or both of the following things happen:

As with most denim, they fit super-snug in the butt and thighs, yet gap in the waistband. (See above, re: gourd-shaped body.)
They are basically made of white tissue paper and show literally every bump, even ones I didn’t know were there. Oh, I got razor burn this morning? Good to know. Thanks, white devil.

GIRD YOUR LOINS, CREDIT CARD. IT’S ABOUT TO GET WEIRD.

Sadly, this is only a small part of my list but I didn’t want to overburden you all with too many fabulous things. Because then you’d know what it’s like to be in my head and I wouldn’t do that to you.

You know what else I need? SLIDES. They’re flip-flop’s fancy out-of-town cousin! *(Photo credit: Urban Outfitters Striped Bow Pool Slide, $24)*

P.S. Let me know in the comments what lovely things are on your summer must-have list! I promise I won’t steal your ideas.

P.P.S I will totally steal your ideas.

The Grinch Who Stole Pingle Christmas

It has been brought to my attention that I haven’t written a blog post in a while. I would love to say it’s because I’ve been lounging on a beach while husky bronzed man-servants brought me fruity cocktails. Alas, the real reason is sadly bereft of oiled muscles and sexy coconuts.

Last month, whilst wearing a green visor and using an old-fashioned adding machine to balance my checkbook (as everyone does), I discovered a thief had absconded with a large amount of my hard-earned money.

The description I gave police. How they have yet to find this guy, I have no idea. — Description I gave police. How they have yet to find this guy, I have no idea.

Somehow, someone way smarter than me hacked into a bunch of debit card numbers. My card and my husband’s card were included in this nefarious plot to ruin Christmas. I have no idea how this person got both of us. What I know about hackers is what I see in TV and movies, and somehow I don’t think it’s as easy as they make it seem.

"Type in a bunch of code and CONTROL THE WORLD." "I don't think that's how it works." — “Type in a bunch of code and CONTROL THE WORLD ” “Um… I don’t think that’s how it works.”

What really, really sucked is that it was our debit cards, so it was like, real money. They drained our checking account. So we basically woke up and Christmas was gone. The Grinch snuck into our checking account and cleared out the place. He got the presents! The ribbons! The wrappings! The tags! The tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings! The bags!

Okay, I’ll stop. But first, what are “trappings,” exactly?

I just felt so… violated. Did I bring this on myself with my sexy online purchases? Did we drop our poor, innocent debit card into a shady part of the internet and just walk away? All I know is that our debit card is now curled in a corner of the shower sucking its thumb. That’s on you, hackers. How do you sleep at night?

"Since I bought a cruise with your money, pretty well, actually." — “Since I bought a cruise with your money, pretty well, actually.”

Anyway, I don’t know how it happened, but it happened at the worst time possible. Not that there’s a good time to get money stolen, but right before we go on the biggest shopping spree of the entire year? Kind of bad timing, guys.

Our bank credited back our money eventually but we had to get through the entire month of December with nothing in our account. The week of Christmas we finally got our money back. THE WEEK OF CHRISTMAS. My husband and I were both in our busy time of year at work; we couldn’t take any days off, so he did all the shopping on Christmas Eve while I worked from home. Shopping and wrapping all the presents on Christmas Eve? Not fun. Luckily there was plenty of wine left over from Thanksgiving or I would have been very grinchy indeed.

Needless to say, it was hard to get into the Christmas spirit this season, and no one was happier than me when it was time to kick Santa’s big butt out the door.

For my husband and me, 2015 looks to be filled with paranoia and lots of hiding money behind toilets. Maybe not even our toilets. By the way, don’t look behind your toilet.

DON'T LOOK IN THERE. — DON’T LOOK IN THERE, EITHER.

Nothing to see, folks.

Staying home on Black Friday: Better than free unicorns

Here’s a little-known fact about me: Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. But immediately following a lovely day of gorging myself into a coma is my least favorite day—Black Friday.

Don’t get me wrong: I love Christmas shopping. Leisurely strolling through stores, sipping on my Starbucks Peppermint Mocha, hand-in-hand with The Hubs, finding the perfect gift for my loved ones… that’s what I like.

I know. We're adorable. — I know. We’re adorable.

Black Friday is pretty much the opposite of that. As much as I enjoy a good bargain, I’m not willing to sacrifice sleep, family and my sanity to get it. (Notice I put sleep first? Not an accident.)

And the people who set up camp at midnight or whatever… all for a cheap Christmas present? Are you kidding me? They could be giving away free unicorns, you guys. And that still wouldn’t convince me to give up my nice comfy bed and 8+ hours of sleep I so rightfully deserve. (I NEED MY SLEEP, PEOPLE.)

But I get that for some people, the bargain-getting part is fun for them… or, more likely, gives them a high that nothing else (legally, that is) can compare. I’m convinced that for some, searching for a good bargain is like a drug addict looking to score. And once they find it, it’s like the euphoria of the first… snort? Smoke? Whatever the kids do nowadays.

Something with eggs? That's a thing, right? — Something with eggs? That’s a thing, right?

Think I’m exaggerating? Have you seen people on Black Friday? Compare them to a crazy-eyed drug addict and tell me what the difference is. I dare you.

This is actually a picture of a drug dealer's house. — This is actually a picture of a drug deal.

But for me, everything about it just turns me off to the point that I refuse to even leave my house on Black Friday. Since my husband and I host Thanksgiving, I use that day to recover from my hostess duties, aka lie on the couch so long that we weld together and create a human/couch hybrid. This year my cat joined us and we created a never-seen-before human/couch/feline hybrid. I expect a call from National Geographic any day now.

Take that, free unicorns.